Just yesterday my webmaster told me I get more views on my page from my blogs than from the expensive commercials I put on Google adds or Facebook. People were actually not searching on Google for our products – but they would put in Google titles and keywords from my recent blogs (like “husband home alone” etc.).
So my webmaster said, you better write some new blogs and put some more pictures of your cats on this because this is what people really want. To find out what do people who look at my business adds really want I went to my Facebook page and opened the most commented entries.
Comments are truly the best place to meet people. I read those comments and my heart just melted. All these different people, so many different ages, nationalities, languages… And all of them still connected by stupidity.
So, please, do not leave a comment here, I am not reading those ever again. I will rather write my own comment on the world in the form of this blog, and that is a totally different thing. The problem is that I don’t know what to write. Do not get me wrong, I care about so many things in the world, deeply, but none enough to actually bother formulating it in words and pressing the keyboard keys a few times.
On the other hand, I love funny stuff. I love to laugh and make other people laugh. I think making people laugh is more important than teaching them or changing their opinions on something. Or even then expressing myself for the benefit of my web clicks or my psychological welfare. What I do in my spare time is watching and listening to comedians. I think comedians (the ones that actually get some laughs on real stage from real people, not the ones that think they might be a comedian and write blogs or comments) are the most important humans walking the earth right now and I believe that they are the only ones writing the true commentary on the current status of humanity and I believe that one day their words (of some of them) will be praised and repeated just as the words of religious texts were used in the past.
But as a result of all that listening to comedy specials, what I have in my head most of the time when left to my own thoughts is more comedy (written by me). That is what easily inspired means. But I would never perform on any stage, not even without a single audience member. I am a six-foot three fat bold middle-aged tattooed polish chef, with a name and an accent of a Russian criminal. You could find a lot of people willing to pay NOT to see me perform. My kids mocking of my pronunciation made me altogether stop talking in public.
But I can write my ideas – and write them in a blog here where they would have a date under them so nobody who uses them after can say I stole them from them.
I think that is how I would start my performance. By telling people how much I am afraid of other people stealing my jokes. So, to defend myself from having my jokes stolen I would tell them I have decided to leave all my good jokes in a safe and to use only the bad ones. The best defense against plagiarism. Use only bad jokes.
Just to keep the expectations low. Then I should do a bit to introduce myself… Something honest, from the heart. I think I would go with a joke about me having problems (after my wife left me) with starting a relationship with a woman…
A friend of mine told me to just be honest when approaching a woman. “Just tell them honestly who you are, what you like, that is the best way.”
So that time on a first date I tried his suggestion. “Let me tell you all about myself. I am fat, ugly, bold, hairy; I don’t believe in monogamy, romance, friendship between sexes or family members, changing of the socks or underwear; I am a Trump supporter; I have no money, no job, no house, ex wife that I am obsessed with, kids that hate me; I pee in the shower – and not while taking a shower; I do not care about global warming; I am obsessed with porn and anal sex and would probably secretly film us having sex; I love blondes because I think women should be at least 50% less intelligent than her man; I don’t think women should vote; I hate all humans, including kids and I think there should be an extinction-level catastrophe… but, anyway, how about a quickie?
And the woman said this: “Oh my God – You are a Trump supporter? Get away from me!”
Insert laugh track.
I am just joking – that what I said before, it’s just a joke, of course, it is not real: you see, I am not a Trump supporter.
Insert laugh track.
Also my wife did not leave me. yet. I wonder how many people would get this joke as a commentary on the current political and social situation about people judging someone by their political affiliation instead of by what kind of person they are – and how many would start thinking I am a disgusting human being (and not get a joke). But I will keep on wondering because I am not reading the comments.