Husband home alone – second part –
“Dear wife, I am happy you are finally coming back from your vacation tomorrow. There are some things you should know.
So, I took the day off today to be able to clean the house before you come back. As you remember Roomba has left us, the dog and the cats have gone berserk and I have not cleaned anything since you left. I picked up the clothes and stuff from the floors.
I can’t clean the carpet because I do not remember what color it was supposed to be. It is dog color now…
Were all our windows the see-through type?
Also, the washing machine and me, we have some irreconcilable differences and I don’t think this relationship is going to work. Why does she have to wash INSIDE my pockets? That’s private. And if I can close the lid that means there is not too many clothes and shoes inside.
As you remember I kept forgetting to go shopping. We ran out of toilet paper. Then we used the paper towels and we ran out of paper towels. And Clorox Wipes. And your Us Celebrity magazines… If you could do some shopping at the airport…
I don’t know how to clean the inside of the car. The passenger seat is full now. There is a mountain of bottles, cans, coffee cups, donuts boxes sitting there. There is something moving on the floor. I’m not touching it, I don’t want to be bitten. How to clean that?
I finally got around to go to the store yesterday. We are stocked on beer again! Don’t worry, I also got meats and cheese. I forgot one thing, the Milkbreadeggs. Martha’s lunch for tomorrow is the DoubleDown Ham Cheese Ham Melt.
I made cereal in that nasty almond milk you bought half a year ago. I boiled it all together, just to be safe. Something has been eating the cereal (cats). I know you said Martha needs to eat her vegetables so I am sprinkling those fried onion bits over everything.
So, the dog and I noticed that one of the cats ran out. It took us one whole hour to catch it. And another hour to catch the dog afterward.
The mailman must have delivered two weeks of mail yesterday, a whole bag of stuff (I may have also not noticed it before). Regarding those letters from the school…
I only forgot to pick up the kid once. Once. And I did not pick up a wrong kid. Not a single time. I got the right kid every time. I did, however, go to the wrong school the first day. And I may have made a scene there when they could not find my kid.
We have four cats now! I believe we used to have three, but I might be mistaking. One of them keeps on hissing at us.
I keep on wondering, do cats drink water? I see them hanging around the sink, but they never use it. Maybe they take water through the skin and that is why they keep on falling in the toilet.
The dog is angry at me. I left it outside again last night. I was watching horror movies and to hear all that howling, it freaked me out. Unlucky for the dog, I am not one of those horror movie characters who go check out what a strange noise was. Not me.
Martha thinks I’m missing you. She keeps on complaining about everything and yelling at me all the time so that I would feel like you are home. She is such a sweet kid.
The dog drinks from the toilet. It started growling at me when I sit there, hiding from Martha, for hours with my book (picture attached). So, to teach him a lesson, I stopped flushing. Who is laughing now, big dog?
I emptied the cat’s sandbox. In the toilet. It was mostly poop, anyway. I did not have the sand, so I filled the sandbox with powder detergent. It smells the same to me.
Cats refused to use it. I got angry for finding poop around the house, so I caught them and put them inside the sandbox, put that cover on top, taped the door shut.
They should write better directions on the washing machine. Like that line inside the machine that just says –MAX–. They should write –MAXimum amount of clothes— or something. I made the understandable mistake to think that was the –MAX detergent level–. So I emptied the whole liquid detergent container inside and filled it with clothes…
Do you remember when David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear? Well, in a similar fashion, the washing machine is gone.
I’m doing all the clothes dry cleaning now (I put dirty clothes in the dryer with softener).
There was this Wes Craven marathon the other day, and I am sorry but I had to delete all the Ellen shows and Rizzoli and Isles on the DVR.
I am also sorry… just a second, my phone is ringing
I am also so sorry for mixing up the dates and not picking you at the airport. By.”