To my wife who went on vacation and left me home, with the kid, 3 cats and a dog:

“Dear wife, I hope you are enjoying your vacation in Spain. Martha and I are fine. The animals, however, went completely crazy.

The cats are not cleaning their sandbox. It’s almost full. This morning I tried to let them out to do the business in the yard as the dog does but they don’t want to leave. It’s still under 20 F outside.

I am giving them a can of food daily as you said, but they are playing dumb and pretending they can’t open the can. I don’t know what’s their endgame.

You said to feed the dog only once a day but you did not specify how much. I just opened the bag. Technically, I fed him once a day. One day. Three days ago. The food is gone now.

I closed the door of our room because I did not want to pick up all my clothes from the floor and did not want the Roomba to get all entangled in it. I wish I did not close the dog in there for the whole day. The room smells funny now. I sleep on the couch.

Roomba is gone. We can’t find it anywhere. Was I supposed to feed it too?

I did not have time to pack the lunch for Martha today so I gave her $20. I know she is six, but if she can order stuff in the Xbox store, Amazon and Play store, I’m sure she can buy lunch from some other kid.

I washed the clothes. I forgot to put the softener in the washer, so I poured it later in the dryer. It worked. And the house smells nice too. I dumped some softener in our room too.

The dog is gone. It disappeared in the middle of the night while I was watching horror movies. You don’t know what went through my mind. I did not sleep at all.

I just figured we don’t need all these cabinets in the kitchen at all. All I need is the dishwasher. I keep all the plates in and take one by one out when I need them.

How do you know which clothes are dirty and which clean? I keep them all together and smell kind of transfers from one to another… They all smell of floor and something funny… Any other way?

I tried to iron my shirt today but I am not doing that anymore. I got burns all over my chest and belly.

I don’t like the way cats are looking at me (photo attached). I tried to let them out again this morning and then the dog came back. I forgot to let him back in last night. It’s almost spring anyway.

Roomba did not come back. I am worried about the dishwasher and the fridge. If they leave too, I quit.

How do you know which dishes are clean and which are dirty in the dishwasher? Should I have taken all the clean ones out before starting to put dirty ones in? I think I should have, yes.

The cats ate all the fish in the aquarium. I thought of just filling it with beer and toss some sardines in it but I am just a bit drunk. The beer is gone.

The dog is watching the cats in a strange way. If it eats them I would have 3/5 of feeding problems solved. (Fish cats dog – leaving the child and me to… No, we would never eat the stinky dog).

The fridge is now empty. All I had is the pizza delivery number, I called them and ordered a gallon of milk, eggs, bread, and butter. They never came.

The only thing I have at home for Martha’s lunch tomorrow is pickles and Nutella. I hope she likes it.”